From an Obsessive Optimist in the Eye of A Hurricane.

life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; It's about learning to dance in the rain.

In Search of Symmetry – Day 10 Breast Reconstruction

on April 7, 2011

People ask me how I feel.  It is very hard to say.  Physically, I am still sore and stiff.  I am not sure that mentally I have processed the fact that I will not ever have to wear that lump of padding again, or that I will never have to “adjust my front”. 

 When I had the surgery for the radical mastectomy, I was facing radiation and I was not in remission.  Now, the two surgeries that are left, are to make me look better and better. 

In some ways I feel vain, and  a little narcissistic, to care so much what I look like.  To care what I look like seems  even stranger, when I look in the mirror and basically see my mother staring back at me.  Her image and words haunt me, “Pretty is as pretty does”.

I have an angel from the  church,  who has volunteered to be my keeper, when she can.  She me asked me what I looked like before I got sick.  We got some of my many scrapbooks out.  There are not as many pictures of  me as you might think.  I am generally the photographer.

Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised.  Proverbs 31:30 Amplified

Exploring the idea of inner beauty as opposed to outer beauty was much easier for me in abstract than when confronted with this idea so up close and personal. 

Madam Guyon was a christian mystic who lived in France during the 16th century.  She advocated a personal relationship with God, prayer and healing miracles, and for this she was imprisoned as a heretic by the Catholic church.  She was considered an extraordinary beauty until she contracted smallpox, in her 20’s.  She felt it was easier to exhibit inner beauty without the distraction of outer beauty – not that I have ever been considered an extraordinary beauty!

Do you, dear reader have any thoughts about how outer beauty effects inner beauty or visa versa.  Have you ever contemplated how you would feel if you were stripped of what you would consider your assets.  Or how you would present yourself to the world, if you were bald, fat and lopsided? 


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